Recently while going through such topics like personality and individual differences in mno set my puny brain into motion again, rethinking about myself, my purpose, and my life. For one, I think I have a rather abnormal personality, if I may call it so. I place great expectations on myself, telling myself this is what I want to achieve. But perhaps that is only futile and imaginary hopes for the end product, and the what might have beens. Process wise, I appear reluctant to work hard. My inertia to remain in a situation of not working hard seems to be pretty gargantuan for someone of my modest mass. To put it into perspective, I think I have cognitive dissonance.

On another level, I don’t know know what other people think about me. About whether I’m too concerned about grades. I can’t help but feel sensitive when talking to many people, I really do. I’m always on tenterhooks, never knowing when a wrong sentence will aggrieve anyone. I try to shun away from grades talk, but apparently there is little avenue for escape. Additional pressures mount when expectations come externally. Jealousy might come into the picture for some people. That, I do not know. But when other people talk about it casually, jokingly, or even just because of that bit of envy, I do not just discard it. I have a massive reputation to live up to, at least amongst people I know in specific aspects. But it seems to snowball. I don’t know if my obsession is a healthy stimulus.

Sometimes I do wonder how much of a person’s personality is inherent, and how much of it is shaped after birth. When I recall my growing up years, there isn’t much stress from my family to pursue excellence. Morals and integrity holds first place in my upbringing. And I’m glad I do still have plenty of them. But as time goes on, perhaps I have become much more ethnocentric. I need to walk out of the barrier, to experience a holistic life again.

I will say, humans generally fall into 6 categories, the dragon, the bull, the pig, the wolf, the horse, and the fox. Somewhere deep down inside, I have a desire to be the dragon, not to be someone who toils and reap little rewards, not to be someone who fumbles around screwing up his life, and probably not to be someone who just follow the pack. I’m probably closer to the horse now, a carefree attitude with perhaps some kind of shackle. Oh, and I hate the final group of people.