Yay… my world took a sharp dive. I dunno what I’m doing anymore… A culmination of factors brought together at the most inopportune of time, when I will face battles with many level99 exam papers the coming week. The final straw came at the weekend, the stupid referee and the stupid linesman… Yes, it proved to be the catalyst for my implosion… Boohoo.

What is it that I want, what is it that I’ve been gunning for… Lost… in the clouds of mist. I need someone to bestow the gift of clairvoyance on me… to find my path.

最近心思烦乱，开始迷失方向。不知道寻找的是否值得，更不知到底寻求什么。觉得人生越来越迷茫，自己的踪影消失在繁杂的都市里。我渐渐丧失斗志，慢慢舍弃梦想。

她为何给我希望，却亲手毁灭这个梦幻。一段永恒的期盼顿时沦陷成粉碎的遗憾。我们之间产生了距离。我开始避免和她对话，甚至不敢正视她双眸。我害怕心中涌起悲痛，强忍压抑情绪的沸腾，见面时还要带着微微笑容，遮掩所有悲伤。我只能静静走开，独自忍痛，在遥远的深处默默祝福。

因为爱所以无条件的付出？因为爱所以不奢求回报？只要她得到快乐，我不该继续执着，应当感到欣慰。我却非圣贤，只是普通凡人，又怎能看破红尘？盲目的追寻。。。痴痴的等待。。。最终还不是回到原点，无情的闭幕。谁能助我解脱，离开这无谓的事端。。。

时光飞逝数十年
但愿此生无怨言
孤君独夜伴月眠
欲求梦里现芳玄
枯眼望遥惜相怜
只怨何苦一相缘
思绪烦杂念红颜
终究唯有断肠连

Be brave still heart, as you face the storm
Confused, befuddled, you stand alone?
Your will starts to falter, beliefs deform
But stay strong girl, and never bemoan

Inside you it burns, an eternal searing pain
Because thy heart is not of ice and stone
Fear not, I will stand with you in the rain
Until you find a path you call your own

Recently while going through such topics like personality and individual differences in mno set my puny brain into motion again, rethinking about myself, my purpose, and my life. For one, I think I have a rather abnormal personality, if I may call it so. I place great expectations on myself, telling myself this is what I want to achieve. But perhaps that is only futile and imaginary hopes for the end product, and the what might have beens. Process wise, I appear reluctant to work hard. My inertia to remain in a situation of not working hard seems to be pretty gargantuan for someone of my modest mass. To put it into perspective, I think I have cognitive dissonance.

On another level, I don’t know know what other people think about me. About whether I’m too concerned about grades. I can’t help but feel sensitive when talking to many people, I really do. I’m always on tenterhooks, never knowing when a wrong sentence will aggrieve anyone. I try to shun away from grades talk, but apparently there is little avenue for escape. Additional pressures mount when expectations come externally. Jealousy might come into the picture for some people. That, I do not know. But when other people talk about it casually, jokingly, or even just because of that bit of envy, I do not just discard it. I have a massive reputation to live up to, at least amongst people I know in specific aspects. But it seems to snowball. I don’t know if my obsession is a healthy stimulus.

Sometimes I do wonder how much of a person’s personality is inherent, and how much of it is shaped after birth. When I recall my growing up years, there isn’t much stress from my family to pursue excellence. Morals and integrity holds first place in my upbringing. And I’m glad I do still have plenty of them. But as time goes on, perhaps I have become much more ethnocentric. I need to walk out of the barrier, to experience a holistic life again.

I will say, humans generally fall into 6 categories, the dragon, the bull, the pig, the wolf, the horse, and the fox. Somewhere deep down inside, I have a desire to be the dragon, not to be someone who toils and reap little rewards, not to be someone who fumbles around screwing up his life, and probably not to be someone who just follow the pack. I’m probably closer to the horse now, a carefree attitude with perhaps some kind of shackle. Oh, and I hate the final group of people.

I’m getting disillusioned with life at the moment. A post in ken’s blog evokes more thoughts, but it is not something that I realized only now. Perhaps I mature faster than the average person, or perhaps I brood more over the cosmic state of life. As I revealed, I’m just another insignificant speck of dust amidst the universe searching for a greater purpose in life. Unknowingly, I had probably started transforming in the short 2 years stint in National Service. Sometimes I do look back and marvel at how much of a different person I was.

Whatever it is, I still have little sense of the priorities in my life. In fact, I’m confused by my own choices… of the things I did, of the things I did not do, of the things I hesitated on. Maybe I should look at my bro for inspiration, to be a happy man, to be less demanding? Truth be told, I felt shattered with a B+ for a presentation. But I know… I’m not a superhuman… Why insist on pulling myself by the scruff of the neck every single time?

At the same time, I still feel a sense of worth. It is always great to receive an unexpected message from an acquaintance (excluding non-trivial requests). For those people who always ask for help only, I need to evaluate further the value of the relation. Thankfully, they have not appeared in this phase of my life yet, which isn’t so true for the next category of people - the natural irritants. I do not know whether to feel fortunate that there is only this one irritating person in my uni life… because there were plenty during my NS spell. Perhaps he should reflect on the manner in which he relate to people. Seriously, I would like my close buddies to inform me of any shortcomings. So… I feel sorry if that person has no close buddies (evil thought - it might be true you know).

Ah well. As usual, I spent a humongous amount of time on random stuffs while neglecting school work. Came across this marvelous piece of work. Unfortunately for people who don’t understand Chinese, the following 回文诗 is too challenging for me to translate.

枯眼望遥山隔水，往来曾见几心知
壶空怕酌一杯酒，笔下难成合韵诗
途路阻人离别久，讯音无雁寄回迟
孤灯夜守长寥寂，夫忆妻兮父忆儿

儿忆父兮妻忆夫，寂寥长守夜灯孤
迟回寄雁无音讯，久别离人阻路途
诗韵合成难下笔，酒杯一酌怕空壶
知心几见曾来往，水隔山遥望眼枯